Tag Archives: Life

back from sabbatical

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I’m not sure how many people have noticed but it has been a few weeks since I have posed anything on my blog.  It isn’t out of lack of anything to say.  I just wanted to get into the habit of writing for me again.  When I started the blog it was simply a creative outlet.  I love to write so I thought that I would publish some of what I had written.  Over the last couple of months I began writing what I thought others might like.  So the material, although it was my own, is almost guided by my readership and my own barometer of what others like to read.  I just wanted to announce that I took a little bit of time off for a few reasons and I thought that I would share what I learned about myself in the process.

I might be a bit narcissistic:

I feel significant in this world when I am praised. If you are this way, you know what I am talking about, it’s a struggle.  This is why I took time off from posting stuff.  A few weeks ago I caught myself thinking, “people will really like this or relate to that.”  So I have a little folder on my computer of unpublished stuff because I know had it been published I would have been tracking bit.ly clicks or google analytics results.  As I get older the need to die to my selfish desires is increasingly screaming louder in my life.  So, I am going to write just for me for now on.  I might find times when I don’t have anything to say, so I’m not going to post.

My sense significance has been off:

I feel significant because of a lot of things like family and friends and maybe some accomplishments.  But ultimately I need to understand that I am significant because God made me in His image and loves me enough to forgive all of the stupid stuff I’ve done.  When that’s your understanding of who God is, it is very silly to think of your significance based on a position, or something you’ve done. I’ve been drawing my significance from the amount of people around the world who read the blog.  We all search for meaning and significance every day; sometimes there is a realization that your life lacks it.  This is a harsh realization.  For me I realize the most that my life lacks significance when I try to feel significant from something that I’ve done, I think my writing and the things I say will get better when I realize that my creator passionately loves me.

Honesty is still the best policy:

I’ve been a little surprised at the response to some of my past posts.  I’ve gotten e-mails and text messages from people who think I have it all together and have answers.  I want to be honest with my readership and let you know that I am on a lifelong journey of living my life in a way that is consistent with the scriptures and makes God attractive.  So in doing so, there are ebbs and flows of life.  I make mistakes, life change happens and the world changes.  I don’t have the answers and I don’t have it all together, I am simply working it all out, sometimes in a public fashion.

So I am getting back on my blogging horse.  Love you all who are walking this journey with me around the globe.  Although this blog is for my benefit, I hope it will in turn benefit you.

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reveal worth

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I learned a pretty valuable lesson from a student who was giving me a really hard time. A while back I ran a community basketball camp for kids in our neighborhood.  I had a student who was supposed to help with the camp but for the first couple of days was a complete nightmare for the adult leadership. The last day of the camp was a water balloon day.  We went through something like 2000 water balloons.  This problem student simply refused to help or to participate in the event.  Voices started to rise, tempers were beginning to flair up when finally at my wits end, I handed this student my camera (in an attempt to get him to stay) and said, “could you at least take a few shots?”  You would have thought I handed this kid a bar of gold.

Before this camp I had two cell phones snapped in half, a camera smashed to bits and a pair of sunglasses broken due to crazy youth ministry events.  I was understandably hesitant to hand electronics to students and they knew it.   When I handed this student my camera he knew that I trusted him not to break it or to do anything that might lead to its demise.  I didn’t just hand him a camera, I handed him self worth and dignity.

I did not hand over my expensive camera with the intention of making this student feel worthy of love, but that was the result and I learned a ton from it.  When he took possession of the camera, his shoulders went up and back, slowly a smile started to come across his face, he took the initiative to clump students together to get the shots he wanted.

One of the things I took away from all of this is that we are a people who constantly try to prove that we are worthy of love.  What do you do in your life to prove that you are worthy of the love and affection of others?  I have had students who indulge in destructive sexual behavior because they are trying to feel worthy.  The day I handed my camera over was the day I realized the power of believing in someone.  When you show them that they are worthy and that you believe in them then their true humanity and beauty begins to rise to the surface of their being.

If we know that humanity suffers from the constant need to prove their worth, then maybe we should become people that reveal their worth.  How free would you feel if you didn’t need to prove your worth on a daily basis?  How much would you change your world if you revealed the worth of others on a daily basis?

By the way, if you are stuck in the trap of trying over and over to prove that you are worthy of love, Jesus Christ has already proven that for you.

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lying to the dry-cleaner

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I lie about stupid stuff sometimes.  I don’t want you to get the wrong impression about me, I am truthful and trustworthy, but I still lie about stupid stuff.  If I do lie I will usually catch myself and tell you that it wasn’t the truth.  Today I took my suit to the dry-cleaners.  I only wear a suit at weddings and funerals so I only dry-clean it about two times a year.  There was a small tear near the pocket and my the woman asked, “Is it getting a little tight on you?”  To which I immediately responded, “no, not at all!”  Truth be told, it’s getting a little tight.

I began to wonder why my knee-jerk reaction was to lie to the woman.  As I wondered all the way over to the coffee shop I stumbled onto the reason behind my knee-jerk reaction.  I don’t want to look bad.  There is a feeling of self-preservation that one gets when people ask uncomfortable questions.  I think sometimes we lie to cover-up a fear of our own reality.

Here is the odd thing.  I am not a person who outright makes things up or lies.  That’s just not me.  I think there is a difference between lying to the IRS on your taxes and lying to your dry-cleaner.  The difference is the motive.  Both are destructive, but I wonder if the more destructive form of lying is for the purpose of keeping your self-image in tact.  Because one day, if you keep lying about the reality of you, your world will come unglued.

Lying about your pants to a drycleaner is a small thing, but it shines a light on something much larger.  It shines a light on the ego and what you are willing to do to protect it.  I think that this is the idea that Jesus was getting at in the Sermon on the Mount, even the small things in our heart lead to something larger and more destructive.

My lie was to preserve an image of myself that is clearly not reality.  I wonder what images you have of yourself that are nowhere near reality.  How far will you go to protect your image of yourself?

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becoming human

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While I was on vacation I began reading this amazing book by Jean Vanier called, “Becoming Human” Right away the book hits on a heavy topic, loneliness.  It is a deep topic because feeling alone in the world leads to so much.  Feeling alone brings up feelings of anxiety, depression, shame, sadness and even suicide in a lot of cases.  The first few chapters of this book resonated with me so much because I have been there.

Back in college I had a lot of friends.  I traveled with them and I even had a fairly stable girlfriend.  However, I look back on that portion of life with the clarity that it was one of the loneliest times that I experienced.  I remember driving to school one day wondering how someone with such great friends and a girlfriend could feel the loneliness that I felt. I even prayed during this time and I never felt so alone.

I’ve realized a few things now about the loneliness I felt back in the days of college.  It wasn’t my friends, they loved me and they were there for me, it wasn’t the girlfriend, it wasn’t God leaving me or forsaking me, it was me.  I had a very difficult time loving myself. By not loving myself I created a wall that the love of others could not penetrate.  The barriers I built were too big to feel the love that others showered me with.  Until I was okay with me, I could not really begin to see a way out of feeling alone.

I don’t feel alone now; in fact it has been about six years since I’ve really felt this way.   The change came when I really had the comprehension that God was glorified in my brokenness. The change came when I realized that Jesus died, rose again and went to the father so that we can have something much greater, His Spirit.  I realized that the feeling of being alone must be false; something in me was tricking my conscience into believing that I was alone in this world.   The reality was that I have self-worth and value precisely because I am human.  My value is derived from something much deeper than friends and family, although they are amazing.  My value is derived from being created.  My value comes from the breath of life flowing through my nostrils.  My value doesn’t come necessarily from knowing God, but being known by Him.

I am a firm believer that anyone can overcome loneliness.  Feeling alone is a terrible feeling.  For me it was having an understanding that I was loved and known by my creator.  This understanding enabled me to love myself; these two things broke down the walls that were caging loneliness in my heart.  I feel more alive and more human now than those days.

If this is you, if your battling with the feeling that you are all alone in this world.  Know that you are loved.  Know that the only one, who can love perfectly, loves you.  Ask God to break down those walls that keep you trapped by loneliness.

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life goals

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I have had a lot of time to think in the last few days.  I have done quite a bit of people watching and hanging out on the beach.  I have decided that with another daughter on the way I need to start thinking about the long term of our family.  I want my daughters to grow up believing in God, loving others and having the ability to stand on their own two feet.  So I began thinking that I should set a goal for each stage of life that my girls go through.

Stage 1: Birth to age 12
Goal: Give them a home base
Overall I want my girls to know that they are loved.  I don’t want them to go searching for love later on in life.  I want them to feel secure in the fact that their parents love them, God loves them and their family is always there for them.  I want my daughters to be able to tell us anything.  I want them to feel safe and tofeel good about themselves.  I feel like if we do this part of their lives correctly then they will always be able to come to us with anything.

Stage 2: 12-18
Goal: Intimidate teenage boys.
This is the stage in life where I take up bodybuilding and target shooting with the sole purpose of intimidation of teenage boys.  Maybe I will tattoo my area code on my face.  Hopefully, the girls will have such a strong home base that they will only go after the quality boys who share their same values.

Stage 3: 18-25
Goal: Find a way to get a lot of money, quick.
Driving, college, weddings, showers for the aforementioned weddings, laser treatments to remove tattoo on my face.  There are a lot of expenses in this stage of life.

Stage 4: 25-
Goal:  Reflect on this post and see if it is at all accurate.

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